Agatha H and the Siege of Mechanicsburg Read online

  Tarvek glared up at him. “You know I wouldn’t do that to her.” Gil paused. He did know that.

  Tarvek kept talking: “Besides, Lucrezia has already got to Agatha. I’m the only one who knows enough—because I allowed myself to work with her—to actually have a chance of breaking her free!”

  “All right! I know! Have you already forgotten how much trouble we went through to keep you alive?” He smacked the back of Tarvek’s head. His anger was fading, but the fool could have got himself killed. “How dare you risk yourself and her by acting so stupid!”

  “Ow! Let me up!” Tarvek struggled to his feet and rubbed his head. We’ve got to get you out of here. Quickly!”

  Gil snorted. “Don’t be absurd. I stay here. I want you to stick close to Agatha. You’re an opportunistic serpent up to your ears in treachery and intrigue, and I’m counting on you to spot and deal with any hidden threats. And yes, try to find a way to get rid of Lucrezia. I’ll use the empire to clear out the obvious attacks. I can’t join you until I’ve got things back under control.”

  Tarvek looked like he wanted to throttle him. “That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you,” he said through clenched teeth. “I see a huge threat—to Agatha and to you—right now! You’re no use to either of us if you stay here and get wasped!”

  Gil scowled. “I really don’t think—”

  Tarvek interrupted. “I know, but try. Your father’s death was announced to the world without any warning. Think about it. Your empire isn’t run by fools, but no preparations were made to contain the damage that news like that would cause! It just got blurted out to everyone. I’d wondered about it, but . . . hearing that story just now? It’s obvious to me there are two intellects working at a level I’m just beginning to see. One is trying to warn you—that’s your father—the other is preparing to trap you!”

  “Me? How—?”

  “Think! You were safely ensconced within Castle Heterodyne. No one could touch you there, not without destroying the Castle and everyone in it. But once we heard your father was dead, out you came! I’ll bet a lot of people saw you emerge and I’m also betting you made a big deal about returning to Castle Wulfenbach.”

  “Well, yes. The troops needed to see—”

  Tarvek waved his hands. “No, no, I’m not saying you did anything wrong.” He grimaced. “I’m saying that someone was counting on you doing the right things. Coming here, assuming control.” He rubbed his forehead. “But I’m more and more convinced that if you stay here, you’ll be wasped. Or worse. The only thing that’s missing is—”

  A Castle messenger sped in, waving a flimsy wildly above her head. “The Baron is alive!” Her excited shout filled the room, which spontaneously erupted in cheers. “He’s returned to Castle Wulfenbach! He’s on his way here!”

  “Time to go,” Tarvek said as he dragged Gil out of the room.

  “Wait!” Gil looked back. “If my father is really here—”

  Tarvek nodded. “An excellent way to put it. You want to argue? Fine! But do it while we move!”

  Gil made a snap decision and the two ran down the corridor and headed off into the depths of Castle Wulfenbach. “How do I know you’re not just guessing about my father?”

  Tarvek nodded. “Weren’t you listening to that idiot’s story? It’s obvious that your father has used him to get a message to you! If he’s been wasped, he wouldn’t be able to tell anyone about it directly and shouldn’t even be able to hint at it in such a blatant manner.” He paused in admiration. “Your father is extraordinary, it’s like the usual rules don’t apply to him. As if Lucrezia doesn’t control his entire brain.” Tarvek shook his head. “But she can control his actions and, now that he’s here, it’ll be simple for him to lock you up.” He looked at Gil. “There are enough people who’ll think it’s reasonable, considering you went into the Castle in the first place.”

  Gil conceded this. “If you’re right about this, then what can we do?”

  Tarvek grinned. “We stay alive and out of her clutches. We’re both dangerous to her in our own way. I studied with her! She showed me all kinds of things! And I think I’ve developed a formula to keep a person safe from wasp infection.”

  “Why haven’t you—?”

  “I’ve been kind of busy lately!” Gil conceded the point. Tarvek continued. “As far as I know, there was only the one prototype of the spark wasp variety. It should take some time even for Lucrezia to make new ones, but we can’t be sure of anything when it comes to her. I’ll teach you my formula. If we get separated, you get to a lab and dose yourself as soon as you can.”

  Before he could stop himself, Gil muttered, “How do I know it won’t just kill me or something?”

  Tarvek stopped and faced him. “Okay, you know what? I never knew what I had done to make you hate me so much, but I’ve finally figured it out. That time we were caught sneaking into the records vault? I’m betting that’s when the Baron finally told you he was your father. He probably warned you against me as well—told you all about my family and what treacherous backstabbers we all are.”

  “And that’s not true?”

  “Of course it’s true! But you were—” Tarvek paused. “We both were looking for something exciting about your past. It was just for fun! How was I supposed to know how it would look to the Baron? He was giving me a lot more credit than I deserved, but it’s no wonder I got thrown off of Castle Wulfenbach.”

  Gil, who had done his best at the time to get Tarvek sent away, looked embarrassed. Tarvek had another revelation. “And all that time in Paris! When you were wallowing in debauchery with your doxies, tarts, and pirates . . . You were trying to convince me you were nothing more than a disgusting, lecherous, drunken sot.” He paused and then punched Gil on the shoulder. “I want you to know I bought into that completely. Well done.”

  Gil twitched his shoulder away. “Fine! I’ll . . . I’ll trust you . . . just shut up about it.” He started pacing in a different direction. “Assuming you’re correct, we’ve got to be careful and we don’t have a lot of time. We can’t just run to the nearest dirigible bay.”

  “Why not?”

  “My father is a brilliant strategist. He can outthink anybody. He’s at least always five steps ahead of his enemies . . . ”

  “Except possibly Lucrezia.”

  “Except possibly Lucrezia. So if he’s under her control—”

  “Neither of them would be stupid enough to let it show.”

  “Yes. They’ll be careful. Subtle.” Gil lowered his voice. “I’m saying we don’t know how long he’s already been aboard.”

  Tarvek bit his lip. “At least seven key people were called away from the Operations Room while we were talking.”

  Gil grimaced. “Not good. We have no ideas what private orders my father has already given. Even un-wasped, he’d probably have you shot.”

  Tarvek shrugged. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

  “For what it’s worth. You’ve earned it.”

  Tarvek winced as he rubbed the site of his recent gunshot wound. “Another thing the two of them will agree on.” He looked around. The corridors they were traversing aboard the great airship were becoming progressively quieter. These were places that were not as populated as others. “Tell me again why we’re not leaving?”

  “We are leaving. But I’ll bet that every hanger bay has guards by now, waiting to grab you. Probably both of us, actually. No, we’re going, but now we’re escaping.”

  “Escaping from what?”

  Both men spun in shock to see Bangladesh traipsing down the corridor. “Geez,” she groused, “I step out to get coffee and when I get back, Boris said that the two of you’d just bolted outta there with no explanation,”

  At this moment, Bangladesh stepped under one of the irregularly spaced lights. Tarvek recoiled in terror. “No!” he shouted, “not you!”

  This greeting was so much an everyday experience that it took the captain several seconds to remember Tarvek at a
ll. When she did, her eyes widened, and a thousand-watt smile lit up her face. “Oh my gosh,” she breathed in wonder. “Oh my gosh! I’d know that girlish scream anywhere! It’s Prince ‘How Dare You’!” She grabbed the petrified man by the shoulders and swiveled him around in delight. “It’s really you,” she marveled. “I thought you’d jumped to your death! Nicely done!”111

  Finally, Tarvek couldn’t take it anymore. “Wulfenbach, what is she doing here? Doesn’t your empire shoot pirates? Shoot her now! Right now!”

  Bang laughed in delight as she pinched Tarvek’s cheeks. “Oh, I’ve missed you, me proud beauty, yah ha haar!”

  Gil nodded sympathetically. “I know, I keep meaning to. I’m continually amazed my father hasn’t—” A sudden thought caused him to pause. When he spoke again, it was with a sudden seriousness. “DuPree, come with us.”

  Before Tarvek could move, Bangladesh wove her arm through his. “Hey,” she dropped her voice suggestively, “do you still have those little scars I gave you?” She tugged at his shirt. “C’mon! Lemme see”

  Tarvek did his best to ignore her. “Why is she coming with us?”

  “Because I don’t want her to get wasped.”

  Tarvek noted that Captain DuPree’s fooling about stopped instantly.

  “Think about it,” Gil continued. “Can you imagine what she’d be like working for Lucrezia?”

  Tarvek imagined it. “So shoot her!”

  “Ha! You’re still so funny!”

  “So where are we going?”

  Gil glanced at Bangladesh and took a deep breath. “To my lab.” Tarvek frowned. “To my secret lab. With any luck, no one will find us there.”

  “Dere hyu iz,” Vole said in a put-upon voice.

  Gil stared up at the tall Jäger. “How did you find us?”

  Vole rolled his eyes. “Hyu keeds tink hyu iz so schneaky. Dot’s cute, but hyu gots bigger problems, kiddo.” He grinned malevolently and leaned in. “Hyu poppa iz alive after all! Heez gots der security forces runnink all offer de place— lookink for hyu.” A thick, clawed finger thudded into Gil’s chest. “Hyu iz to be detained.” He glanced over towards Tarvek. “Prince Schtumvarouwz iz to be detained.” He cocked an eye at Bangladesh and added, “Und enneyvun who haz even talked to hyu is to be detained.”

  The three glanced at each other and then back at the now-visibly amused Jäger. Gil nodded. “And are you here to ‘detain’ us?”

  Vole’s amusement broke free into a large, smile. “Ho! No vay, boss! Hy vurks for hyu now, remember?” He gave Gil a mocking salute. “End hy em here to help hyu owt!”

  Gil looked confused. Vole’s grin grew even larger. “Hyu iz goink against hyu poppa.” He shook his head appreciatively. “Dot’s gonna be some var! Messy, terrible civil war! De empire vill be in flames! De pipple vill be crushed between de two uf hyu und it vill unleash an ocean of blood!” He raised his hands skyward. “Dis vill be more carnage den hy could heff ever hoped for! The destruction . . . It vill be glorious!”

  With a sickening crash that she alone heard, Bangladesh felt herself fall in love. While the captain was never known for her forethought and, indeed, openly mocked anyone who mentioned they had long-term life plans,112 she had long ago dismissed any possibility of a romantic entanglement. Oh, she thought of herself and was occasionally acknowledged as a pirate queen, which meant that, eventually, once she had reclaimed her mother’s island kingdom, she would be expected to produce heirs, but she had never been one to demand romance when all she required was sex.

  A significant amount of the pleasure she got from interacting with Gilgamesh over the last several months had been derived from mocking him for his infatuation with the Heterodyne girl. The realization that she was suddenly caught up in a similar situation, caused her to experience an emotion Klaus would have easily sacrificed several hundred square kilometers of the empire to see: uncertainty.

  Several minutes later, she surfaced from her thoughts and realized that she, as well as the others, were now moving down an unfamiliar service corridor.

  Behind her marched Vole, lost in visions of future carnage he continuously choreographed, murmuring in a lazy monotone that threatened to make her swoon with unsavory delight. Before her strode Gil and Tarvek. Tarvek tried to stop listening to the war-besotted Jäger, but kept hearing things that demanded to be cataloged and remembered for later. He quickened his steps and whispered to Gil, “Are you actually listening to any of this?”

  Gil shook his head. “Not really. But if that fantasy is what’s keeping him from turning us in, then fine. He’s obviously enjoying himself.”

  He walked several steps in silence. “But if you’re worried that he’s . . . he’s correct, then we could just surrender right now. If you’re right about all this, I’ll just get wasped. You’ll probably wind up dead, but at least Europa would avoid a civil war.”

  “And Agatha?”

  Gil sighed. “Yes, that’s where our little altruistic thought experiment breaks down, doesn’t it? Come on. It’s not far now.”

  Tarvek looked worried. “What makes you think they won’t be waiting for you in your lab?”

  Gil grinned. “Secret lab, remember? I was raised on Castle Wulfenbach, even while they were still constructing it. There were enough crews working at once that it was pretty easy to alter blueprints without anyone noticing and then switch them back before the inspections. As a result, I have a whole private section of the ship sealed off from the main compartments that no one knows about.”

  Tarvek considered this. “That . . . That’s actually pretty cool.”

  Gil gave a quick grin. “Isn’t it though?” He stopped in front of a section of corridor broken by a complicated hatchway. While Tarvek was examining it, Gil stepped to the blank wall opposite, turned a random-looking screw with an odd-looking screwdriver, and a panel down back the way they’d come swung open on silent hinges. A minute later, Gil raised a grate and peered in. Seeing nothing, he eased the grate to one side, then hoisted himself up.

  “Okay,” he called down. “It’s all clear.” Which was when several kilograms of excitable arthropod slammed into his back, causing him to scream in shock. He gathered it up and gave it a hug. “Zoing! Good to see you!”

  The little creature looked down at him from within its enveloping coat and hat. “Whirrrryu beee?” it buzzed.

  “I told you I’d be busy. How are the patients?”

  Zoing nodded proudly. “No dead.”

  The group entered a large laboratory. Taking pride of place were a set of glass cylinders, filled with a cloudy liquid. Various gases bubbled upwards. Within the liquid could be seen a pair of figures.

  Vole stared within one of them and then recoiled in astonishment. “Iz Meester Ponch!” He examined the other cylinder. “Und Mistress Judy! Hy thought dey vos dead!113 Vell howzabout dot.”

  Gil straightened up from examining a bank of read-outs and nodded in satisfaction. “Final healing is progressing beautifully. Another day or two and they’ll be as good as new. Better, actually.”114 He patted Zoing on top of his hat and fed him a sugar cube from a small bowl on the table. “Good job.”

  With the bizarre little construct delightedly crunching away beside him, Gil strode over to a large canvas-shrouded device. With a flourish, he whipped the sheet aside, revealing a gleaming insect-like machine, equipped with two separate sets of ribbed wings.

  “What is this?” Tarvek was obviously intrigued.

  “Nice, isn’t it?” Gil checked a meter on the side, pried off a cap that was sealing the end of a pipe, and began pouring something that smelled strongly of volatile petrochemicals into the machine. “It’s an experimental flying machine, but really, aren’t they all?”

  Tarvek studied the cockpit, looking for any sign of supports. “Where’s the gasbag?”

  “It doesn’t have one! I said it was experimental.”

  Tarvek stared. “So it’s some kind of falling machine?”

  Gil frowned, as if at
a particularly embarrassing memory. “No. Well . . . not exactly. Are you familiar with the Bernoulli Equation?”115

  Tarvek stared at him. “That’s about fluid dynamics, yes? The one that was discredited when that fool, Betancourt,116 tried to build a supersonic submersible in the Black Sea?” Gil winced. Tarvek continued. “This contraption won’t fly at all!”

  “Science says it will!”

  “Then science can fly it!”

  “I assure you, even if it doesn’t fly exactly, it should reach the ground in one piece long before it explodes.” He frowned. “Well . . . I think so, anyway. I haven’t really tested it since I made those changes . . . ”

  Impatiently, he shook his head and dragged Tarvek over to the cockpit. “Look. Here are the controls. They’re pretty simple. Can you run a four-gear landwalker?”117

  Tarvek looked slightly guilty. “Um . . . Once at University, I had to use it to destroy one of my—”

  Gil waved a hand, cutting him off. “Perfect! But on this, instead of ‘walking,’ think of it as ‘skating.’ ”

  “But, I can’t—”

  Gil swept his hand over a bank of controls marked SAFETY SYSTEMS. “You can ignore all of these—”

  Tarvek’s eyes narrowed. “Wait a minute . . . ”

  “Just keep an eye on fuel, altimeter, brakes, and the giant claw.”

  “Why are you telling me all this?” Suddenly he reared back, eyes wide in astonishment. “You can’t seriously— You are! For some pointless, no doubt pfennig-dreadful-induced delusion of noble sacrifice, you’re planning on staying here! Why?”

  Gil looked off to the side. “I have no idea what—”

  “Don’t you dare try to pull that on me! Seriously, what do you think you can accomplish here? Have you even considered how dangerous a spark of your caliber will be if you’re enslaved by the Other? It’s bad enough she’s got your father.”

  “We don’t know that.”

  “I know that! And I know that if she gets you, too, the rest of us might as well give up and just burn Europa to the ground ourselves!” Tarvek reached into his coat and pulled out a small notebook and waved it under Gil’s nose. “I haven’t even given you my formula yet, and I’m still not even one hundred percent sure it’ll work. But even if it does, you staying here would still be suicide, because if the Other tells your father to kill you, he will. And that’s the best case scenario! Plus,” he smacked the side of the flyer, “I do not believe this thing could hover, let alone fly!”